Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A lump in my throat

On the eve of my little ones 2nd birthday Greg asked me "Looking back 2 years, what would you say to yourself?" For some reason this question is almost too emotional to bare thinking about.

I know this topic is totally overwritten about on here and it might seem like i am being dramatic about something that wasn't worthy of so much drama... but it is one which has had a profound impact on me. When i became a mum my heart was sliced open and the wound left open ensuring that I experience everything in life with maximum force. A dangerously powerful vault of motherly emotions unlocked. The happiness was oh so very wonderful but there was also angst that broke my heart.

I really don't know what I would say to myself looking back 2 years. Nothing could have prepared me for the journey we went on and I think we handled it so well with no special advice from the future at all. I love that I was ready and willing to start it with the most amazing amount of positivity and willingness but get a lump in my throat thinking about the shock my eager, excited self got. I think it's so emotional now becuase I've realised that I have made it. I am flooded half by emotions of relief and proudness but also emotions of grief for the things that I lost. The birth that didn't go to plan, the breastfeeding that didn't go to plan and the early days that broke the camels back.  But although conditions were less than desirable we soldiered on and had fun, we went out, we celebrated life and made things great. It is this that I think I am most proud of, because it would have been very easy to crumble in a heap which would not have been happy to look back on. Instead we only have happy memories to look back on, with a few of unsettled babies in between. Which is how it was.

I hope that one day the lump in my throat will ease off and the sneaking in of anxiousness becomes fewer and far between, but the lessons that were learnt in those early days are ones we wouldn't want to be without. They taught us that my husband and I are the ultimate team, who did nothing but become closer. I've become more empathetic, patient, a better listener and more sympathetic of the ups and downs of people lives. The struggles made us stronger. Ready now for whatever life throws at us.

So I would have no advice to give myself looking back, because advice was not what was needed. Just the wise comforting words of someone who had been there before - to say that everything is going to be ok in the end. Soldier on.

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